When Bendigo woman Sandra* left a violent relationship where her partner was piling debt upon debt, it was a relief.
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Little did she know that his debts, loans and bills for his “boy toys” in his name would also come crashing down on her.
When she and her partner of more than a decade split, her only debt was a $500 credit card. But the sum of his debts for cars and gadgets was split between her too.
When she left, he stopped working. He fell behind on the mortgage payments. She had moved interstate, but her name was still on the mortgage.
When debt collectors demanded $5000 to level the debt, she was forced to pay more than $3000 of it.
“His attitude was ‘I earn the money so I can spend the money’,” Sandra said.
“He would constantly rack up bills, debts and loans. I was left to try and find a way to pay them.”
Because he had stopped working, he also withheld child support payments from her. He took $5000 from their joint bank account, and closed it.
There had been bouts of physical violence early in their relationship. Sandra said she would not stand for this, but he found other ways of controlling her financially.
“With physical violence, most of the time you know straight away what's happening, but with emotional abuse and manipulation, it's quite hard to realise it's happening until much, much later, and you're way over your head,” she said.
When Sandra met the man who would become her next partner, she told him she was not ready for a relationship.
Yet she believes he took advantage of her vulnerable state and she became pregnant.
“Once I had (my child), he could manipulate me all he liked. That was when he took control of everything, when I was at my weakest.”
He was spending huge amounts on alcohol, which worsened the emotional abuse she suffered at his hands. He isolated her son from her previous relationship.
“If I needed any thing for (my son), my husband would make it very difficult,” she said.
“He would say there wasn’t enough money for it at the time, but there was always money there for alcohol for him.”
In both relationships there was a strong theme – the man was the bread-winner, while she fulfilled the caretaker role.
While Sandra said it was important to her to be a stay-at-home mother for her children’s early years, this work was not valued by her partners.
Money matters in family violence
Sandra’s case is not an isolated incident.
Bendigo women’s advocates are urging people in new relationships to be careful with their finances, which can often be used against them as a form of violence.
Following a Purse Project workshop to help women with the basics of budgeting, Cheryl Munzel from the Centre for Non Violence said in relationships where there was a power imbalance, men might splash their income away while their women partners lived on a shoestring.
“There are very few women who come here who haven't experienced financial abuse,” Ms Munzel said.
She said financial abuse could include incurring debts the woman is then responsible for but has no choice over, forcing her to hand over her PIN number or demanding to have a joint account.
She said women can feel pressured to share their financial resources fully to demonstrate “trust”, but if they went into a violent relationship with assets, they too often left with nothing but debt.
“We’re seeing a new group of women who are heading into their middle and old age who are quite disadvantaged because they can't afford to pay the rent,” she said.
“They are the new homeless. There are a lot of traps.”
WIRE (Women’s Information and Referral Exchange) can provide advice: phone 1300 134 130.
*Sandra is a pseudonym to protect her identity. If you are experiencing violence, phone 1800 RESPECT or visit www.1800respect.org.au.
