I will be the Baron of Bendigo, appointed for life, no appeal possible, no correspondence will be opened, so save your breath, your bile and your keyboards.

There will be a council, but it’ll be of nice people – appointed or disappointed by me of course – but it will gather weekly or thereabouts for a barbie and a bit of a chat about how good things are and anyone who disagrees will be put in the naughty corner for a full day or until it’s his or her shout.

Rallies will be banned. Unless they are spontaneous outbursts of public realisation of just how wonderful life can be, in which case they will get to be the honorary council for the next week. People who shout slogans will be sent back over Big Hill and told they cannot come back until they have learned how to use joined up letters, proper sentences and take a refresher course in modern Australian language. Oh, and become familiar with the term “neat casual”.

Parking meters will be turned into secure bike parking poles and instead of just seeing a time limit come up when you put $1 in it, it will play the Top 100 song of your choice. Anyone selecting country music will be sent over Big Hill – unless, of course, it’s Keith Urban because he’s a good bloke who had the very good sense to fall in love with Nicole Kidman. And he can sing.

Bikes will NOT be allowed to use a new path in the Bendigo Creek bed under Charing Cross. No. Cars and trucks will do that and the bikes will be up on the road in the fresh air and sunshine.

The next time anyone invades a council meeting, the security chaps will kick the protestors out, not the councillors, and the meeting/barbie will go on as scheduled.

Anyone who disagrees with the Baron and his barbie companions will have one, and only one, appeal to VCAT, and if they lose, they have to agree to a stint on the south side of Big Hill as well.

Anyone disagreeing with a quite sensible VCAT ruling will be required to show cause why they should not be sent to live in Pakenham Upper or somewhere even further east.

Everyone in Bendigo, especially senior secondary school students, will be required to learn by heart the famous quote from Professor Brian Cox: “The problem with today’s world is that everyone believes they have the right to express their opinion AND have others listen to it. The correct statement of individual rights is that everyone has the right to an opinion, but crucially, that opinion can be roundly ignored and even made fun of, particularly if it is demonstrably nonsense!"

Oh yeah, we have a flag policy as well. Flags are cool and welcome.  But anyone wrapping him or herself in one better have a good reason, such as a need for warmth, genuine love of all things Australian, or a sudden attack of unexpected public nudity perhaps brought on by a surplus of bucks partying.

Elections will be held regularly in this reincarnated world. Say once every century or so.

Mobile phones will be banned inside publicly accessible buildings. Megaphones will be used as planters for the municipal geraniums.

We will erect electronic scramblers to prevent TV stations sending “reality” TV show signals over the top of Big Hill. These will be replaced by new episodes of Doctor Who, Escape To The Country and Gardening Australia. As they say on the Tattersalls ad: wouldn’t it be nice?