For many and complex reasons, the resting place of Zayden Veal-Whitting  is covered with symbols of love, but without a headstone of his own.

The 10-month-old died after being struck multiple times to the head, face and upper body with a home-made baton during a burglary at his Long Gully home in June, 2012.

Burglar Harley Hicks was sentenced to life with a non-parole period of 32 years for the heinous crime.

In sentencing, Justice Stephen Kaye described the killing as “totally and utterly evil’’ and put his case in “the worst category of offences of murder which come before the courts’’.

"You have committed an appallingly violent and callous murder of an innocent, helpless ten-month-old infant,'' he said.

"All human life is sacrosanct, and the law does not differentiate between the life of one human being and another. However, the life of a baby is particularly special and precious. 

"At the time of his death, Zayden was on the threshold of childhood, with the future before him. He was in the safety of his own home, secure in his own cot. He was, as any infant of that age would be, utterly harmless, defenceless and helpless. 

"Any human being, with even a shred of decency and humanity, could only feel compassion, tenderness and protectiveness towards an infant in those circumstances. 

"By contrast, you inflicted a brutal bashing, with a lethal instrument, on that baby. You crushed his skull, and savagely beat him with at least 30 blows. It is almost unthinkable that any human being could have carried out the sickening crime that you have committed. 

"What you did was totally and utterly evil.''

But almost three years on, the mother of the little boy taken in his sleep wants her son to rest with dignity.

Casey Veal is battle weary and stressed, but determined to find a way to get her life back on track – and that means finding a job, being able to put food on the table for her eldest son Xavier, clearing her debts and finally putting in place a headstone for her youngest son.

“At first we couldn’t decide on one and then when the trial came around I was too scared the media was going to take photos of it and get in to the one space I had for him,’’ she said.

“I was so scared they would be able to find him.

“We waited until after the trial, after the sentencing and then after the appeal, but then once the appeal went through we had no money.

“I cried for weeks about that.’’

Casey cries every day. Not for herself, but for her sons – the one she says is forever 10-and-a-half-months-old and her soon-to-be six-year-old. For the life she can no longer give her youngest boy, and the forever changed life of her eldest.

 It’s tough and the barriers to moving forward are many.  

Casey was unable to hold down her last job in the centre of Bendigo  because she feared people. She had visits in her workplace from those connected to her son’s killer and was often asked ‘are you the mother of the the baby who was murdered?’.

“Strangers would come in and say ‘you’re the mum of the baby that was murdered’ and I would say, ‘yes, I’m Zayden’s mum’,’’ she said.

“Yes, that was me, that’s my child.  I expect it from kids, that’s fine but from adults I’ve had tonnes of it, they stare at me or they go ‘you’re the one with the baby that was murdered’ and you’re kind of like, he has a name.

“I accept when people say you’re Zayden’s  mum, and most people are really good, but you do get a few.’’

Working in a such a public environment became increasingly difficult, adding to Casey’s social anxiety and fear of people. She only wanted to work at night, when fewer people came through the doors, and soon feared living in the centre of town because every passer-by made her jumpy.

She has since moved 30 minutes out of Bendigo, but with the threat of her car being repossessed, Casey fears she will not be able to get another job and find the stability she longs for. She is also considering again deferring her university studies because it’s all getting too much to juggle.

“My life now is hell,’’ she said. “I live in my own jail every day, my body is my own jail, my mind is worse than anything that could ever happen. I torture myself daily about Zayden.

“With all the added pressure of being financially at a bottom, it’s horrible. I’ve been trying to focus on healing my grief, but I spent the last three weeks where I’ve had to have my partner sit with me and hold my hand and help me breathe because someone has rung me and abused me and made me feel that crap I just cry because I don’t have any other option.

“People think I’m strong and amazing, but it’s only a front. That’s my front. That’s my Zayden’s army face – it’s had to be that way since he died.

“I don’t like to share that vulnerable me crying thing, because it upsets people around me and I don’t like it.

“I don’t like to upset people and I don’t like to make them  cry – which is what happens if people want me to be fully open with them and tell them all about it, and I tell them, then they cry.  Then they don’t ask more questions because it’s too hard.

“It’s hard trying to keep up the façade that everything is fine.’’’

In a desperate and rare plea for help, Casey recently set up a Go Fund Me account hoping a few dollars might help her ease her financial pressure and remove one element of stress.

Her accounts reads:

“Harley not only murdered my son, he murdered what was left of my life. I began to struggle especially around Zayden’s trial and afterwards as work was limited and now after five years, suddenly I am without any employment. I have applied for over 60 jobs in a month without any success. I am now facing losing my car, which is the start of losing everything. I hate it has come to this, that I have to beg for help. But I just cannot begin to succeed on my own. The stress and emotional overwhelming situation has become more than I begin to imagine. I am beyond desperate for help, I need a miracle really. I want everyone to know that the second I am back on my feet, I will pay forward any help I receive. I will put my heart back into society.’’

Within hours of Casey posting her cry for help, she received hate emails from people accusing her of trying to profit from her son’s murder, prompting her to have to justify her position.

A further post on her page reads: “Let’s get one thing straight, I got victims of crime and I also couldn’t work during the nine week period and much of the nine months afterwards. I paid up all the debts from this period and beyond. I also did not get $70,000+. Look up the laws, the maximum is $100,000, this amount was split between three people. Funeral and burial costs were taken from this amount split between his father and I.’’

Such has been the case since the day Zayden died. Fingers were wrongly pointed at Casey. Tongues wagged. Opinions and prejudice were hurled at her.

Casey was silenced because of the court process, but because of the length of time it took before her son’s killer was finally convicted, the community moved on. They recognised the tragedy and felt her pain, but they forgot her.

Now she finds herself in a position difficult to navigate a way out of.

“I’ve rung my mum crying and said ‘I want out, I cannot handle any more of this, I can’t handle people yelling at me and saying that’s in the past, deal with it,’’ she said.

“They were my choices, I was that ashamed and scared to ask for help because of the bullying that would come with it or the judgement.

“Since this started I’ve had a fear of asking for any form of help because it always met with criticism or bullying.

“People don’t realise they can write one bit of torment and feel proud of themselves, and it’s done with after that day, but it sits with me for months.

“I still get bits and pieces saying it’s my fault. I copped a huge attack after being on 60 Minutes from a guy telling me it was my fault, I should have had the doors locked, my son should have died, I deserved to live with that.

“People don’t realise I’m human too, I make mistakes too – and the door couldn’t lock.

“People think I’m so strong and amazing but I fear people, what they will do to me, what they will say to me or what they will look at me for, how they will judge me by what I look like that day, what I eat, what I drink, how I spend whatever money I have. It feels like being watched by big brother all the time.

“That’s why for me to ask for help, it had to get to a dire situation. The anxiety and the fear that comes with asking for help overloaded the need for help.

“It’s just the overwhelming shame that comes with where I’m at. I can’t handle it. It’s full shame and guilt that I should have been able to fix it. I managed for so long and should have been able to do better.

“I hate that I have to ask. It really is shameful for me. That and the fear of people, I’m scared.

 “No matter how well I think I’m doing, it just keeps going further and further downwards - I haven’t slept or breathed properly since he died. Everything is stressful.’’

To contribute to Casey's gofundme campaign follow this link:  http://bit.ly/1z9ean7

FULL coverage of the Harley Hicks trial here.