COFFEE lovers don't just have to worry about the type of beans and method of making coffee - researchers have discovered that water can spoil your cup, too. But what does your choice of coffee order say about your personality?
You hate coffee but feel the pressure to prove your adulthood and so, as a compromise, you sweeten the hit with a dose of chocolate. Slightly insecure but desperate not to let anyone know, you’re also likely to order steak tartare only to push the raw mush around your plate, and to grimace your way through a handful of olives.
You’ve just had a delicious and/or expensive meal and want to pretend you’re a sophisticated Italian. Wash away the gluttony with a shot of coffee, the more bitter the better.
You’re on the run, a folder of papers under one arm and no time to put them into your bag, let alone wade through the water, milk and cream that clog up other beverages. One a day is habit, two is a manageable addiction and three cups means the double espresso has become a full-blown enabler. You’re emotionally fragile after too long telling yourself you don’t need sleep and while the double espresso will get you through the day, the week will end in a frenzy of shaking paranoia.
Your clothes stink of smoke, you can still taste the jägerbombs at the back of your throat and you bitterly regret the so-called mate who told you that hungover Fridays are the norm. Cling to your triple espresso as you bid a tearful farewell to pain-free all-nighters.
Espresso served in a large cup with a cup of hot water on the side
If you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself. Too many times you’ve ordered a restaurant Americano only to be given filter coffee, instant coffee, too weak or too strong. Your fussy order may look ridiculous - but at least there will be no surprises. You’re also a fan of Post-It notes, colour-co-ordination and telling other people how to live their lives. After all, you know best.
Just keep on following the herd and pray you’re never given a taste test between a flat white and a latte. You work in a creative industry you wish was slightly more creative, hang out at Dalston street food fairs and are trying to pretend you never actually thought beards were cool.
There are two types of skinny latte drinkers: the leaders and the followers. The leaders have sunglasses permanently propped on their head, don’t own a pair of flats and are saving up for the latest Victoria Beckham bag. The followers have simply heard this order - from colleagues, friends, mothers, aunts - so many times that they assume it’s ubiquitous. They don't know about Americanos, they think skinny latte is the norm.
You’re either lactose intolerant and simmering at the eye rolls or are two weeks into a diet that won’t last the month.
Almond milk latte
You carry an avocado in your handbag, eat six types of seeds a day and haven’t touched carbs for years. Soy has some frankly dangerous chemicals and worrying environmental effects, so almond milk it is. Hobbies include 10 hours of exercise a week.
You miss the simple days. You don’t quite get iPads and can’t tell the difference between normcore and unfashionable. As you say the words, “white Americano”, you can’t help but think “white coffee”.
Cynicism has given way to anger. If you’re asked what type of coffee, you’ll repeat “just coffee, thanks” with rising blood pressure and firmly gritted teeth. If they don’t understand what “just coffee” is then you’re done. You’re just done. You’re moving to France or Australia – anywhere that’s halfway normal, for chrissakes.
Cortado (espresso cut with small amount of warm milk)
You couldn’t care less about the drink, but love the look of confusion on the barista’s face. You’ve heard the words cut-throat, narcissist and power-hungry a few times, but you’re too focused on the chief executive’s seat to care.
Caramel frappuccino with whipped cream
Today can't get any worse, you told yourself this morning. Then it got worse. Forget the caffeine, you need a massive sugar hit and your entire daily calorie allowance in one cup is the perfect antidote.
Hand ground, craft-roasted coffee beans, made with an aeropress
You wouldn’t be seen dead with last generation’s iPhone, you write a blog about whiskey and you can name the designer of a suit without looking at the label.
Civet coffee (the most expensive coffee in the world, made of coffee beans that have been partly digested and expelled by Indonesian civet cats)
You’re either Hollywood royalty or an oligarch with ties to a problematic government. Either way, your cup of coffee was made by a servant.