The scars of a woman with memories of a little girl who lived a not so unhappy childhood, but a sad one.

A childhood made up entirely of secrets, control and abuse.

A childhood spent walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time her father exploded. And the explosion always came, as predicted.

Not on the odd occasion, but all the time.

"You could always pick when they were coming, the warning signs,'' she says.

"They were there ... it was like he felt he was pushed to a point, or it was something he didn't like and he was just looking for an opportunity.

"When he did it the first time she hoped it was a once off, but it wasn't.

"I could hear mum when she would turn around and say no and that's when you knew it was coming, you could pick it in his manner and behaviour.

"He would hit mum and then we would be screaming, because it's not the most pleasant thing to see someone hitting your mum.

"He was just itching for a fight and mum would stand up for herself or stand up for us and that would be all it would take.

"She would stand up to him, and that's not just being 'female'  it's just that people have a way they should speak to and treat each other, and he didn't.

"He fitted all the cliches with the gambling and the drinking and the stress, but I've got to stress that even without the drinking it would happen - that's just an excuse.

"It wasn't just a couple of times, it was all the time.

"It was controlling - and it was physical and emotional.

"Dad's happiest day would have been when the children left home because mum was his.''

Mary grew up in a family where her father earned a reasonable income - he had money, and he spent it. On anything and everything, but ''nothing with any sense''. Her mother didn't have any.

Nor did she have permission to drive the family car unless there was a significant build up before and the final 'consent' was given.

Mary recalls one occasion when her mother found the strength to leave. She hugged her father as she said goodbye and remembers tears falling from her face. He didn't notice, and was unaware that when he returned from work that day his wife and children would be gone.

Promises followed. He visited. He swore never to hurt them again. Three months later, Mary's mother returned to the family home with her children.

"He came to visit and mum would hear us saying how much we missed him, your dad is your dad and we loved him, you only get one mum and dad and that's what messes you up a bit, so she said we would go back,'' Mary recalls.

"She knew we were upset and she still loved him - you always think they will change, but I don't know if they ever really do.

"She did the best she could and she loved him and hoped he would change, and that was the problem.''

And that is why Mary wants to share her story.

For all the love she feels for her mother, she wants those in similar situations to know it's okay to leave.

Mary knows how difficult that can be, as her family tried many times - with the final time involving great assistance from someone she holds dear. It was a well-planned and safe escape, which her father never expected. But it happened once Mary was an adult, so her entire childhood was a world of abuse.

"If you think you're doing your kids any favours by staying, you're not,'' she says.

“It doesn’t help anybody, you’re not teaching them anything by staying.

“Don’t hang on to the behaviour, just try to move on.’’

Mary says there are now many options for women wanting to flee family violence situations, but finding the strength to talk to someone was often the barrier.

“Part of the problem is you think you can’t go anywhere, but you always can – don’t worry about possessions and other things, you can always recover.

“A doctor told my mum she would be dead by 55 from stress, that’s if it wasn’t from something physical, so how was that going to help us as children?

“It’s not good to anybody if it goes on.’’

Mary’s story is all too familiar in central Victoria. Crime statistics released this week show yet another jump in the number of family violence assaults and breaches of intervention orders.

From February 2012 until January 2013, there were 824 breaches of family violence intervention orders or safety notices, and that number jumped to 879 during the same period for 2013-14. 

The number of repeat offenders has dropped.

Victoria Police family violence advisor Sergeant Margaret Singe says while there is work to do, the figures also reflect increased efforts by police to take a tough stand on family violence perpetrators.

“Reporting is up,’’ she says.

“We are breaching people on orders and in places such as Kyneton, as many as 80 per cent of intervention orders were self-initiated, now 80 per cent are initiated by police.

“If police are taking out the IVOs, they’re the ones getting up in court and it’s easier for the victims – they then feel more confident reporting breaches and like they have the support of the police.’’

According to the Measuring Family Violence in Victoria report, showing the 11 year trend analysis for the period from 1999 until 2010, police have become the primary applicants for intervention orders on behalf of victims.

The reports outlines that the introduction of the Victoria Police Code of Practice for the Investigation of Family Violence in 2004, coinciding with increased family violence training of police members, appears to have influenced a more dramatic increase in the past four years. The introduction of the Family Violence Protection Act 2008 and police-issued Family Violence Safety Notices appear to have contributed to a continued increase of police-initiated intervention orders since 2008.

It states both the act and the safety notices emphasise that family violence is a fundamental violation of human rights and safety of victims is paramount.

However, the report also notes that less than a quarter of the incidents police attend have an active intervention order in place.

Centre for Non Violence prevention and development manager Robyn Trainor says there are increasing numbers of children recorded on family violence police reports and children are being identified because of the recognition there is significant impact. 

“Children witnessing, being exposed to violence in the home and experiencing family violence directly impacts on their ongoing sense of safety and wellbeing and their relationship with their mother and father,’’ she says.

“Police have protocols to respond to family violence and are initiating more intervention orders and utilising safety notices to send a strong message that family violence will be treated seriously and there will be a strong criminal justice response.’’

Statistics show more than 40 per cent of children present at family violence incidents are aged from birth to four years, and most women talk about their first experiences of violence during pregnancy, a key risk time.

Throughout the 11-year research, about two thirds of child victims of family violence were female and one third were male, which Ms Trainior says “potentially debunks the ‘bad childhood’ myth as a cause of family violence’’.

Approximately 80 per cent of adult female victims (from court and police data) experience violence from an intimate partner and the main perpetrators were males.

The most commonly identified high risk indicators recorded by police were separation and controlling behaviour.

“Family violence is used to control or dominate the family member/s and causes fear and intimidation,’’ Ms Trainor says.

“Family violence has a significant impact on women and children and the effects can be long lasting. 

“Mary and her mother’s experience is not uncommon, with responsibility for the violence put on the women and children to keep it under control or leave.   

“Responsibility for leaving a violent relationship is often put on the woman and children, or seen as the only safe alternative. 

“Women and children who are removed from their home and their community are more at risk of experiencing homelessness and economic disadvantage in the future, as well as disconnection from their community and supports.

“There is often pressure for women to leave the relationship and to stop the violence, but significant barriers exist that create ongoing issues, such as increasing their and the children’s risk of future violence, homelessness, financial and social disadvantage and negative community attitudes.

“Women are then further disadvantaged and judged with stigma, blame, shame and by not being believed.’’

Ms Trainor says research shows women can take up to 10 years to disclose family violence and are more likely to disclose to a professional they know and trust, such as a GP, maternal and child health nurse or counsellor. 

“A positive response and opportunities for support helps the woman to locate responsibility for the violence with the perpetrator to put in measures of support and safety plan,’’ she says.

“Women often talk about wanting the violence to stop, not necessarily ending the relationship and at times need support to consider ways of keeping herself safe and the perpetrator taking responsibility or being held accountable for their use of violence violence.’’  

Mary is forever grateful to the person who helped her mother escape her situation – and she wants others to know that despite dark days, there can be light.

Her mother has remarried and her father has since re-partnered.

“Sometimes I think the best thing she ever did for dad was leave him – but he has never acknowledged what he did,’’ she says.

“It was definitely the best thing for mum.

“Things can get better, not necessarily for everyone, I can only talk about me… but time is a good healer.

“I’m glad everybody has moved on, there’s no point holding on to a lot of hurt, it doesn’t help you.

“It’s just a shame he didn’t realise it was the wrong thing. It didn’t have to be like that.

“It’s just a bit sad.

“I don’t see him very much now, it’s just how it is and it’s a sad feeling, but he is still my dad and I’ve got a good life now and still love him.’’

Women's Domestic Violence crisis service: 1800 015 188; Centre for Non Violence 1800 884 038; In an emergency phone 000.

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