IF you earned nearly $20 million in prize money, sponsorship and endorsements in one year, would you spend it monopolising the world supply of donkey cheese?
Did you even know donkey cheese was a delicacy? Or that is existed at all? No?
Well it does exist and it’s apparently a rare and expensive Balkan delight, which is why Novak Djokovic decided to buy every bit of this white, crumbly cheese in the entire world to supply his new chain of restaurants.
This is not a Djoke.
The cheese is produced solely by a farm an hour west of Belgrade, with each kilogram of cheese produced requiring 25 litres of lovingly procured milk.
It has been used since antiquity for medicinal and cosmetic purposes, and a frequent donkey milk bath was apparently what Cleopatra used to keep her skin silky smooth and youthful in the days before anti-ageing and anti-wrinkling cream.
It also apparently has a rich, deep taste, and is the closest equivalent in the animal kingdom to breast milk. True fact!
At nearly $1200 a kilo, it certainly makes me realise the home brand one-kilogram block of cheddar from Woolies is a bit of a bargain.
I’m sure connoisseurs of cheese around the globe, who are inclined to the occasional craving of a bit of asses’ milk, would agree Novak’s purchase is a bit selfish.
Only one person ever benefits from a monopoly; mainly because it takes eight hours and several arguments to get to a point where no one knows what’s going on but the person with a hotel on Old Kent Road who seems to be raking in more rent than the fuming Mayfair house owner. I really like Redskins, but I’m probably not going to go out and purchase every single one of them in the world.
I would not be so self-interested as to prevent other Redskin lovers from getting their chewy, raspberry hit whenever the urge takes hold.
Personally, Novak buying out the world supply of donkey’s cheese probably won’t impact on my life at all.
I’m actually still reeling from the revelation that donkeys can be milked at all; it’s admittedly not something I think about too often in my day-to-day life.
I’ve never felt compelled to adorn my Vegemite sandwich with a good slab of curdled donkey milk, and there’s also something about referring to it as asses’ cheese which seems to put off dinner party guests when it’s produced at a table.
But I suppose, if you did earn that much money, you probably would start to look at other ways to spend your money rather than just going the whole bog-standard route of buying up fancy cars, mansions and tropical islands in tax-free zones.
There’s only so many cars and houses you can buy, although Mark Philippoussis and Bernard Tomic do give spending their entire earnings on fast cars a good shake.
Tomic, whose orange V8 BMW with black hood should be impounded just for the tacky, garish nature of it, also gives spending his entire earnings on hooning fines a good shake.
I’m not sure what I would spend so much money on, or what ostentatious display of wealth I would indulge in if I had so many millions at my disposal.
To be honest, it probably would not be donkey’s cheese.
But if Novak escapes the seven signs of ageing, just maybe the asses’ milk is the way to go.