The 83-year-old man now has 161 convictions for abuse against 65 children, but the true figure of how many children he sexually abused, and how many lives he damaged, might never be known.

This is the story of one survivor.

The survivor, who has requested not to be identified. Photo: Justin McManus

I have had this stuff spinning in my head for over 35 years, but now that it is time to finally make this statement, it is difficult to know where to start.

The incident occurred when I was a naive and innocent nine-year-old altar boy.

I had no idea what sex was or what had happened to me, I just remember being very confused and scared.

I had been warned by the older boys at school not to get caught alone with the perpetrator, but up until the incident I had no idea why.

Unfortunately, I was one day caught alone and for far too many years I felt that I had contributed to my abuse by making a mistake that gave the perpetrator an opportunity.

I blamed myself for the incident and in addition to the threats made by the perpetrator, I decided that I would not be telling anyone and I would never get caught alone with him again.

Up until two years ago, I had kept both promises to myself.

Unknowingly I developed a coping strategy, a survival tool of sorts. I tried to always keep everyone happy, whilst constantly battling myself internally.

I became a chameleon of sorts. I used to constantly tell myself that one day it would be all right, that the church would come and sort it all out and it would all be OK.

Now that I have disclosed my abuse I am just as confused as I was when the incident first happened. I do not know who I really am, what the real me is.

Am I really the happy smart arse who most people might think I am, or am I really the quiet loner, who through necessity prefers the company of himself and maybe a few people he knows very well? I don't know.

What I do know now and probably always knew subconsciously is that I have some ongoing issues relating to the incident. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder relating directly to the incident.

When things eventually caved in on me, I tried to end my own life and have spent a period of time in an acute mental health unit, including periods as an involuntary patient.

As much as I would like to say that I am fine, I am not.

At a rough estimate, I have had somewhere in the vicinity of 4500 nightmares (the calculation being two to three per week, for 35 years).

I struggle to sleep for any longer than four to five hours.

I am involved in a range of counselling services to help me, but it is still early days, there are 35 years of wiring to be undone and that will take time.

I found it chilling that the royal commission's data identified that the average period of time between an incident occurring and disclosure was 33 years. This matched my own scenario precisely.

Convicted paedophile priest Gerald Ridsdale.

I can now sit back and review things, almost looking over the past 30-odd years and consistently identify times when things got difficult, I would just put them off, or block them out.

Sometimes putting things off meant needing to find an escape.

Over time one of the escapes became gambling. I used gambling the way other people would use alcohol or drugs, to numb the pain or escape.

I did well at school and did well at sport, but under pressure I would blow up internally. I thought because I was smart and "mentally strong" that I could overcome or outrun things.

I now know that I was very, very wrong.

I stopped believing in the church and going to church. That coincided with two pivotal events in my life, meeting my now ex-wife and the perpetrator first coming before the court.

For the preceding 10 or 11 years I had convinced myself that my incident was a one-off. That view was shattered when I read the media reports about the perpetrator and I felt betrayed and sickened by the story. I switched off totally from anything to do with it and did so for another 22 years.

By this stage, however, the psychological effects had already started to take hold.

I am told I have an "addictive" personality and that seems pretty fair observation. I get consumed by things and allow them to dominate me, subconsciously this helped me to escape from thinking about the incident.

I have always wanted to be able to escape it. I have always resented the term "survivor", but in reality, that is the perfect description.

Yes, I have managed to survive, but only just.

I don't know how to live, I do not get much joy from things and certainly not much at all in recent years.

I desperately want to stop surviving and start living, but I know that the road that I am now on is a long one, but at least I am now on it.

I have always been very nervous around girls and found it difficult to talk to them.

My ex-wife was different and for 20 years she was my rock of support. She did everything that I couldn't: she bought our first house, she arranged our wedding, I didn't even ask her.

But eventually she had enough and I do not blame her one bit. My mental health and ability to cope and concentrate had been declining for many years.

The past few years have been a very traumatic experience and one that I would wish upon no one.

I wished I had told people sooner, I never even told my ex-wife, but at the time I just couldn't.

My working career is littered with the same form line over and over. Start brightly, look outstanding for a period, before trailing off alarmingly and ending in an acrimonious split.

As a result of my situation, I have now had to return to live with my parents.

In the lead up to my suicide attempt the daily ritual of driving past the local church destroyed me mentally.

For nearly 20 years I had avoided going anywhere near it, often using the back road to avoid having to see it.

For a blind few it is a place of worship, to me it is a crime scene.

You cannot imagine what it is like to have to go past the place where you were abused on a daily basis, it is soul destroying.

I have limited contact with my children and have had none with my eldest for almost two years.

It is just one of the prices I have paid, but the loss of my family is the biggest one and nothing will ever replace that.

For a while I had some sympathy for the perpetrator, truly a sick individual who needed professional help and should have been removed from society decades ago.

But that has waned given his apparent total lack of remorse and understanding of the psychological damage that he has inflicted.

The ending of this matter provides me with no relief or closure. I wish it did.

In almost every situation the abuse was facilitated and enabled by an organisation that was supposedly looking after us.

If we victims are at the epicentre of the damage, there are secondary victims attached to us in terms of family and friends who have all experienced the follow-on effects of this evil. The damage is inflicted well beyond the victims.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that my abuse and that of many, many others need not and should not have happened and could have and should have been prevented.

I am sorry for taking up so much of the court's valuable time, but under the circumstances, I think I have earned the right to be heard, it is the only opportunity I will ever have to do so.

The above is an extract from a victim impact statement read to Victoria's County Court on August 15.

If you are troubled by this report, experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call Lifeline 131 114 or beyondblue 1300 224 636 or visit lifeline.org.au or beyondblue.org.au.