My damn smart phone doesn’t know who I am.
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At some time late on Saturday night it downloaded a “software upgrade”, yes, even the phrase “software upgrade” is enough to inject cold terror into good people’s hearts.
The next day, it told me that before I could make a phone call, I had to tell it the password for something called the Cloud. I took a stab at it from the 475,000 passwords I have used either now or at some time in the past.
It rejected it, and demanded to know my identity before it would send me a message telling me my own password.
It rejected my ID.
I asked Mrs Whacked if I suddenly looked like someone else. She said – with a tinge of regret – that I still looked like me.
In the end, I turned the damn phone off, left it on the bench for an hour or so and turned it on, at which point it seemed to work exactly as it did before.
Digital life is full of these absurdities. It’s a fog of passwords, identities, constant upgrades, junk messages, ever changing screens on phones so that the “phone” button is never where you left it.
Imagine if the real world was like this.
Before you can read the next paragraph, verify your identity.
Access denied. Check again.
Okay, now insert your eight digit password twice just in case you couldn’t get it right once.
Welcome back, as I was saying, just imagine if …
Connection is not available at this time. Try again later.
Ahem…..normal life could not be experienced without such time-wasting activities. I’m told that all these passwords and IDs are for security, and that’s just sad.
It shows how mad the world has become.
Back in the days of landlines and dial telephones, there was no concern that someone would come into your home or workplace, steal your phone, raid your bank account and then even steal your own identity.
The same with your set of Funk & Wagnall encyclopaedia. No-one wanted to nick your data or content and leave behind just some book covers. But if you use a modern online encyclopaedia or information storage system, everything is protected by a thicket of security procedures and firewalls.
Even cars are not like this – yet. You don’t have to prove who you are before you can be allowed to drive to the shops.
Everything now has a password, and you can’t use the same password for them all, or you’ll be told your password is weak, or out of date.
Some of them demand to be changed every few months and you’re not allowed to just put a one or two on the end. They won’t let you use something which even looks like the old one.
They tell you not to use the names of your kids apparently because someone might find out who your kids are and use this knowledge for nefarious purposes.
This has led to a very bizarre outcome in most homes and offices.
If you look on the bench next to the computer, you will often find a bit of dog-eared paper on which all current passwords are written. Crossed out. Rewritten. Changed. Erased.
It’s the only way.
And I find it oddly comforting that a pencil and a bit of paper are required to save us from our own on-line security.
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