You don’t want to play like a girl, kick like a girl, run like a girl, cry like a girl, speak like a girl. This is just one of the ways that young men learn that to be a girl is bad, and sows the seeds that men are better than women. Young women also internalise this language and start to believe it about themselves. And given gender inequity is the major driver of men’s violence against women, this language is very important.

The other driver of men’s violence against women is outdated ideas of what it means to be a man. For too many people, to be a man means to be violent.

And there is more and more research that says young men use violence when their masculinity is challenged and they need to reclaim it. Or in other words, they act like a “man” when they fear they’re acting too much like a “girl”.

Recent research by Our Watch found 17 per cent (one in six) of young people aged 12 to 24 are on the edge of potentially perpetrating violence towards women. The overwhelming majority of these young people are males. Moreover, young males aged 14 to 15 are over-represented in segments that hold attitudes that justify violent and controlling behaviours. Some are on a trajectory towards potentially perpetrating violence against females.

This doesn’t mean that these men are definitely going to grow up to use violence, but it does show how transformative this age is for young men. It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that men use violence at far higher rates than women. They will also hold attitudes that condone or excuse violence more than women.

This is why the work that I, and so many others do, focuses on what makes a good man, and how we can reduce the level of violence in our community.

I know this phrase gets used a lot, but while we know that while most violence against men and women is perpetrated by men, the majority of men are not violent. These men can have enormous influence in reducing men’s violence against women well in to the future. 

I consider myself very lucky that throughout my sporting life I was surrounded by great role models and great people. But not everyone is, and there is a huge role that local sports can play in shaping the attitudes of young people, especially in those vital years around 15.

One of the most important things that anyone can do is to challenge those who excuse violence or blame victims. I’m sure we’ve all heard comments such as, “she shouldn’t have worn that dress if she didn’t want the attention”, or “he was pretty drunk so he didn’t really mean it”. These attitudes are so harmful because those who believe them are more likely to use violence themselves.

Finally, we need to move beyond the simple “real men don’t hit women” idea and challenge the underlying causes of violence against women; gender inequality and strict adherence to gender stereotypes. For boys and girls to grow up thinking that men and women are truly equal they must be surrounded by that equality from their earliest days.

Only when this happens will we see these concerning attitudes begin to change.