When confirming his decision to honour the Prince of Edinburgh with an Australian knighthood, Prime Minister Tony Abbott conceded he didn't consult colleagues before his announcement. If given the chance, what might ministers have advised the Prime Minister around the cabinet table? 

PM: It's great to be Australian. How do you like the table?

Joe Hockey: It's round!

PM: Exactly. Just like you used to be, Joe. Now, now, don't sulk. Of course it's round. Think classical British history. Knights of the...Sorry, Julie. Anyway, talking of knights.

Scott Morrison: Oh, Tony, you shouldn't have, but I'll accept any honour you might wish to bestow.

PM: Ha ha, good one, Scott. I already made you an admiral until you ran out of boats. No. I'm going to knight Phil.

Chorus: Phil who?

PM: His royal highness.

Cabinet members: (long silence. Sounds of indrawn breath)

Julie Bishop: You're such a jester Tony.

PM: No, fair dinkum. Blow for multiculturalism. Phil the Greek, by way of the Mother Country, crown on our fair shores. That sort of thing. Should be able to sell it big on the foreign circuit. What are you doing back here, anyway?

Malcolm Turnbull: He's not Greek. More Russian, actually. And the round table was a legend, not classical history.

PM: You looking for a shirt-fronting, Malcolm?

Mathias Cormann: Philip's wife is practically German. And she's got the crown.

Eric Abetz: And what's wrong with that?

PM: She's a majestic English rose! Just like me. Anyway, we're off subject. Australia's gonna have a Duke for a Sir, and that's that.

Turnbull: May as well make Fergie a Dame!

Warren Truss: Ah, the Fergie, wonderful machine. Could pull stumps out of a swamp all day long. Deceptively strong little thing.

Bishop: WARREN!!!!

Ian Macfarlane: He's talking about the tractor. They were around in the old days when we used to make things in Australia.

PM: Exactly. Traction. That's what we're after. We've scraped the barnacles off the hull and we're gonna make it gleam and cut through the waves. A knight for a new day.

Turnbull (whispering behind hand):  He's finally blown a gasket.

Bishop (also muttering behind hand): Flipped his wig.

Hockey: Knew it ever since he made me Treasurer.

PM (leaping on the table, brandishing his dubbing sword): I heard that! Take their names, Peta! Their names!

Peta Credlin: There there, Prime Minister. Here's a pill.

Turnbull, Bishop and Hockey (in unison): Better make it one of those special ones they gave Kevin.

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