A warm welcome to 2013, Bendigo! A big year in sport awaits, including the much-talked about Ashes series in England.
But if you can’t be bothered having to wait until mid-year to find out what happens out in the motherland, read on, as my predictions for the following year are as follows:
January: Bernard Tomic wins back the hearts of Australian tennis fans with three victories in the Australian Open and declares that he is a new, mature man, destined for tennis greatness.
February: Bernard Tomic loses the hearts of Australian tennis fans after being embroiled in a bizarre, sweatband-related altercation with an official and a spectator at an overseas tournament.
March: Melbourne Football Club launches a Kony-style social media campaign before the start of AFL season to try and find out where its dignity is hiding. A widespread soul search discovers it was lost somewhere between tanking for draft picks and allowing Lyndon Dunn to maintain his moustache.
April: Fred leads Melbourne Heart to a miraculous come-from-the-bottom-of-the-ladder A-League grand final victory. Last on the ladder in January, the Heart’s fortunes changed when they decided to take the lead from their team captain and recruit only one-named players, leading to the inspired signings of Barry, Bruce and Keith.
May: After a spate of early-season soft-tissue injuries, six Essendon team members join forces to create the boy band Bombs Away and compete in Eurovision with soulful ballad Hamstrung. Their off-tune warblings are met with widespread criticism and they are even beaten by the rip-off Kiss band from Hungary and the unicycling Romanian.
June: The Tour de France begins in Yorkshire, England. No one mentions the “L” word, unless they are referring to the medieval charging weapon with a long wooden shaft and a sharp metal head used by knights.
July-August: A four triple-century series effort by Michael Clarke cannot save the Australian test cricket team from a crushing 5-0 loss against England, losing the Ashes for the third consecutive time. In a distinct lack of commitment to the series, no one defeats David Boon’s records of 52 cans drunk on the flight over to London, although on-flight reports allegedly confirm David Warner gave it a nudge and was later seen telling innocent passengers he loved them and singing Shannon Noll tracks.
September: The mighty St Kilda Saints storm to AFL grand final victory with a 189-point belting of Collingwood. Lenny Hayes wins his second Norm Smith medal and a life-size bronze imitation of his heart is put on display at the Australian National Museum. It is comparable to the size of Phar Lap’s.
October: Two months after the Super Rugby grand final, perennial sport-jumper Israel Folau decides his true calling is yabbie racing and begins a vigorous crustacean breeding program.
November: The prestigious Melbourne Cup trophy is feared stolen after going missing the day before the big race. It is found just in time for the running of the race in one of Bart Cumming’s eyebrows.
December: Still emotionally crushed from the loss in England, the Australian cricket team boycott the Boxing Day test and a makeshift team composed of WAGS, MCG security workers and spectators from bay 13 take their place. There are a few ripping one-handed catches taken in the deep without a drop being spilt from open cups, and anyone who storms the ground is swiftly ejected.