THE “dog ate my homework” excuse isn’t exactly what I was expecting to offer you today. But the truth of matter is that MM3 (remember, the littlest one) effectively swallowed my column whole when she belted the living daylights out of my laptop.
To my horror, my near-new Asus blue-screened, and when I went to recover the document the auto-save mechanism had only managed to capture the first few paragraphs of a satirical study of male infidelity, loosely titled “Secrets and Lies”. Devastated and delirious after another sleepless night cleaning up vomit, washing sheets, etc, I decided that for this week, at least, I would not be a martyr to my own vanity.
Instead I borrowed Sydney Morning Herald style stalker Mindy Laube’s riffs on fashion, fads and freaks for your time-wasting pleasure.
With the Oscars looming, another red carpet fashion extravaganza awaits us, and who can resist the world’s most shameless gown perv?
Judging by the viewer numbers, not many of us. But this year’s Academy Awards red carpet parade threatens disappointment. On the basis of the season’s previous awards night looks, cinema’s leading ladies will be veering dangerously close to boring - if not outright ugly - in their choice of gowns. But the fashion doldrums may yet be averted with some last-minute style counsel.
A long look at the Best Actress nominees’ sartorial predilections shows a need for fitting fashion advice - and who better to give it than us? I’ve thrown up some ideas for how these women can do it better, but what do you think? Is it time to restyle the stars? And, if so, how? What could they do differently to maximise their starring style potential? Anne Hathaway (Rachel Getting Married) shows a distinct preference for monochromatic gowns featuring classical lines and unobtrusive detailing, but too often she confuses Best Actress with Miss Akron, Ohio. She needs to ditch the beauty queen routine for something memorable.
Making more of her tiny waist and slim-line hips is an obvious departure point.
Not a bird. Not a plane. It’s . . . the Silver Surfer? Shazam? Possibly a Power Ranger. I give up. Who knows which super-hero Angelina Jolie (Changeling) will be channelling at the Oscars.
But one thing is clear, Hollywood’s Wonder Woman needs a stylist Changeling. It’s time for Angelina to put down the comic books before it gets comical. With her super-slim physique, her penchant for metallic drapery could work beautifully; what’s lacking is a decent fit.
Kate Winslet (The Reader) is rightly proud of her shoulders and shapely arms, but the wall-to-wall hip-hugging black she’s opted for this season is working no magic.
If she’s determined to stick with the femme noir look then the least she can do is opt for something a little more forgiving below the waist.
Melissa Leo’s indie film favourite status (Frozen River) is borne out in her “op shop chic” wardrobe.
She’s old-school glam with a soft spot for glitter, but her vintage look is way past its use-by date. It’s time for Mel to funk it up with a bit of sleek shimmer and waist-defining floral applique for a retro design style that’s much more this century.
OK, fair enough. Meryl Streep (Doubt) is a genius, and I am cravenly superficial for even daring to criticise her wardrobe.
BUT . . . she needs a hand - starting with the widow weeds topped by corporate-sponsored umbrella courtesy of Orange ensemble that she sported for the BAFTAs.
Her digital remastering of Mary Poppins’ Sunday best is intriguingly post-modern and, taken as a socio-political statement, it cries out for her further elaboration - on the Opinion page of the New York Times. Style-wise, it’s just ridiculous. Meanwhile, there’s nothing overtly wrong with the wrap blouse and slim pant outfit in which she accepted her Screen Actors’ Guild award - except for the way it screams Suburban Dinner Party.
As default style positions go, head-to-toe black has a lot to recommend it, but the world’s foremost thespian has no need to downplay. Michelle Obama made Jason Wu’s name, and the designer could just as easily refashion dramaturgy’s First Lady.
- SUSAN MASTERS is The Advertiser's News Editor.
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