MOST of us have some kind of baggage, be they kids, ex-wives or ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, stalkers, or family members who are dependent upon us.
The fact is almost anyone who has lived has some kind of baggage.
Contrary to conventional thought, men carry around just as much emotional baggage from past relationships, it’s just they don’t talk about it with their mates like women do.
A dear old friend has a steamer trunk full, namely a vengeful ex-wife, jokingly referred to as “She Who Shall Not Be Named”. But her bad behaviour is no laughing matter . . . quite the opposite.
Frequent and nasty text messages, irrational and threatening phone calls at all hours, occasional stalking, lies, lies and more lies . . . and that’s a good week.
Another friend has similar issues with re-runs of his real-life War of the Roses epic frequently played out in the Family Court every few months. Apparently, it ain’t over till it’s over and the fat lady sings.
But spare a thought for my SNAG buddy in the city, whose wife left him after 17 years of marriage for another woman. He says he still feels like a silly sausage.
Before my sisters excommunicate me, it has to be said that there are two sides to every sad relationship story. So, what do you do if you meet someone with excess baggage or who has ISSUES? The fact is, only you know. You have to examine your personal situation and the relationship. If you know the score going into a relationship, you’re less likely to get caught like a deer in the headlights, if and when the drama begins.
Face it, you don’t want to be out to dinner and in saunters their ex making a scene.
The fact is, whoever you choose to be with had a life before you met them.
My sage advice is to deal with that fact first, and then be true to who you are in deciding whether or not you can really deal with all the variables of dating a man or woman with baggage.
If he/she is divorced, chances are they will have their child/children every other weekend, so be prepared to deal with this too.
What you have planned to do for the weekend may not coincide with their family commitments. Try to be sensitive to that. If you find you can’t, then you are dating the wrong person. And, if you’re over 35 like me, the chances of meeting someone with no baggage - and no kids - are about as good as hitting the lottery. We are all warriors of love wars, and men and women alike carry battle scars. The people I’m most afraid of are the ones who say they don’t have any.
No matter how charmed a life we have lived, none of us escape emotional pain. The trick is to not let the baggage (pain, distrust and fear) weigh you down. Relationship experts say you need to acknowledge your scars and what they have to teach you, as opposed to getting angry and lashing out at the world like a hellcat. (Please refer back to opening paragraphs) And that if you drag emotional baggage from one relationship to the next, you put a prospective mate at a disadvantage before you even begin.
It’s a bit like wearing a billboard on your head that screams, “Please be the one to fix me!” Ladies, as much as men love to repair things, they prefer cars and gadgets to women. Men and women both know that every relationship should start with a clean slate, but sometimes our insecurities from break-ups past make us punish a new love for crimes they didn’t commit, so here are five ways to unload your emotional baggage: 1. Give him/her a break. Whenever you meet a new potential partner, assign them a 100 per cent scorecard. Only when they mess up are you allowed to deduct points.
2. Don’t burden your new love with sob stories. Resist the urge to tell him how your ex cheated and destroyed your trust. He/she doesn’t want to hear your problems, especially on your first date. Never bring blame for past partners’ wrongs into your new romance.
3. Analyse every failed relationship you’ve had, but don’t focus exclusively on what he/she did wrong. Scrutinise your role, too. Use your conclusions to decide what you do and don’t need from a new partner, and choose your next one accordingly.
4. Face your faults. Taking responsibility for your mistakes will help you to stop wasting energy on the blame game, and help you conquer the victim mentality so common among emotional baggage carriers.
5. Realise that emotional baggage is a huge turn-off. And it’s not healthy for you either. Start looking at past relationships as life experiences that can help you choose better partners and improve yourself. Stop letting old wounds poison healthy relationships.
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