OKAY ladies you asked for it! This week’s column is about the big C.
COMMITMENT. Looks impressive in caps, doesn’t it? Only, it makes no difference how it’s written, it’s more about what the word means to you.
And what it means, according to the dictionary, is many things: Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.
It’s this last definition which readers of this column seem most interested in exploring.
From your emails, it’s also clear that the big C looms large in our lives.
Many women crave it, or so they say, while most men run a mile from it. Am I right? Of course I’m right. A close relative, who wishes to remain nameless - my whole family does - has just hit the C wall in her fledgling relationship.
They’d travelled down a familiar road: coffee, flowers, romantic dinners, drives in the country, and eventually breakfast, and things were looking and feeling on track, or so she thought.
Then crash! The whole thing ran off the rails and hit the big C. Ouch!
She knew it was the big C when he delivered the line: “I’m not ready for a serious relationship.’’
Followed by, “I hope we can stay friends.’’
And the clincher: “It’s not you, it’s me.’’
She then turned to me and asked, “Do you think it’s over?’’
Well, of course it is, sweetheart. There, there. He wasn’t The One.
A male friend of mine has postulated a particularly interesting theory on this unfortunate turn of events. He reckons, and these are his words: “New lovers are not good at discussing their expectations, and women don’t probe deeply enough, and become disappointed when their fantasy world crumbles and their apparent knight in shinning armour isn’t the real deal.’’
And maybe, just maybe, he’s right. Knights in shining armour are hard to find. Most over 40 models are a bit tarnished and beaten up from past jousts with many a fair (or not so fair) maiden. Some have been lanced one too many times in the great tournament of life and hung up their swords, but kept their shields close to their chests.
Enough of the Camelot analogies. Back to my close relative.
I think she should count herself lucky that the big C conversation was had early. Some poor souls go months, years, even decades and then get flattened by the big C. Typically, a big C relationship crisis is triggered when: a) there are children, or the prospect thereof, in the mix; b) there are career or lifestyle conflicts; or c) when someone better comes along. The little c is a real stinker.
So how do you spot a commitment-phobic man?
1. They usually have a history of short relationships and may never have been married. A key indicator, if ever there was one.
2. If they have been married, it was probably only for a short time. This covers an increasing proportion of the population.
3. They want a relationship, but they also want their freedom and space and are often attracted to long-distance, independent women. Melbourne is a long way from Bendigo, even by train.
4. They are usually very affectionate and loving, because in their minds the relationship isn’t going to last forever. Smokescreen.
5. They tend to treat a woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend, so forget meeting his family. Maybe you are his mistress. Better check that.
6. They can be moody or aloof and blame their partner for why they are acting bizarrely. Don’t take that s . . . from nobody, sister.
7. They have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility and can be hard to contact. Pick up the phone.
8. They often choose a woman who is not their type and use these differences as excuses to end the relationship. Hmmm.
9. Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have a house or an apartment, but they stay at other places with parents or mates. Pass.
10. They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects. Interesting.
My esoteric, deep-thinking male friend believes: “Commitment is something I do every second with every choice I make. How can we possibly commit to a timeframe beyond the here and now?
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month or year.
“Commit to being true to one’s self and how you feel, right here and right now.
“Wanting commitment is needing security, safety, a false sense of feeling loved and wanted?’’
And I said, we need to talk.
SUSAN MASTERS is the News Editor at The Advertiser.
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